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Old 29-05-10, 18:34   #1441
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Re: Jokes

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A truck driver sees a beautiful girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"Im trying to commit a suicide," she says.
"Well, before you jump give me a blowjob."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says,
"Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?".
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

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Old 30-05-10, 08:10   #1442
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These new 3d tv's are so realistic.I nodded off while watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone!!
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Old 30-05-10, 21:34   #1443
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A Few Quick Ones

Ventriloquist Ray Alan has died this week at the age of 79.........
Lord Charles is speechless!!!!!

The government have gone way over the top with job cuts. I've just heard that three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford!!!!

The Metropolitan Police are looking for a Muslim attacker.....
I'm getting an application form, do you want one?

A book has been discovered in Dublin that has been missing since 1645. It's called Irish dancing part 2....'What to do with your arms!!!!

Did you know that in the time it takes to clap your hands, a Pakistani will die somewhere in the world? Altogether now: 'If your happy and you know it.......'

Breaking news. It has been announced that rabbits will no longer be used in experiments and Muslims will be used instead. A leading scientist said.

"The advantage of using Muslims is that they breed just as quick as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them.
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Old 31-05-10, 12:12   #1444
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Re: Jokes

A Young Cowboy And O'l Blue
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington, D.C. as a Congressman.
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Old 05-06-10, 14:00   #1445
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I bet we've all had the Whitehaven texts,a bit early yet though?

FOR YOU HUMAN RESOURCE TYPES.....




Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget."
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Old 05-06-10, 20:56   #1446
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AL QAEDA ON STRIKE

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs < or B.O.O.M. > responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell
3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokesmen for the union in the North East of England, Liverpool, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

The Scottish Al Qaeda spokesman said they had not had any volunteers since the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Scottish Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not at all keen on going to paradise.
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Old 06-06-10, 08:56   #1447
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Re: Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by galeforce1 View Post
AL QAEDA ON STRIKE

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs < or B.O.O.M. > responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell
3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokesmen for the union in the North East of England, Liverpool, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

The Scottish Al Qaeda spokesman said they had not had any volunteers since the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Scottish Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not at all keen on going to paradise.
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Old 06-06-10, 08:58   #1448
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Rafa Benitez says it feels good to be a true scouser now he has no job.
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Old 07-06-10, 00:00   #1449
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What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

Don't know? Give up?

Well a Kangaroo is an Australian marsupial, and a Kangaroot is
a Glaswegian stuck in a lift!
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Old 08-06-10, 08:09   #1450
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Duran Duran have re-released one of their 80's classics for the world cup....

''His name is Rio and he watches from the stands''
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