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Old 25-06-10, 00:01   #1461
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Re: Jokes

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A pensioner is driving on the motorway.
His wife calls him on mobile phone and says, ''Arthur, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on the motorway!''
He says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

G ; )
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Old 26-06-10, 01:46   #1462
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Ghosts

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts ??"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ??"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.


Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost ?"

About 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?"

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."



The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have s
ex with a ghost !!"

Abdul replied, "Oh sorry. From way back up there, I thought you said
'Goats'!
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Old 30-06-10, 22:15   #1463
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In the jungle, the South African jungle, 3 lions sleep tonight ....
....coz in the morning, the early morning,
they have to catch a flight.
No win away no win away no win away no win away

OXO are introducing a new white oxo cube with a red cross on it to
support the England team >>>>> It will be called the laughing STOCK.

David Blaine is gutted because his record for doing **** all in a box
for 42 days has been broken...... by Wayne Rooney

England have just announced flood warning alerts as 5 million Scots
pish themselves laughing
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Old 04-07-10, 10:46   #1464
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The glamour model Jordan has sold one of her vibrators for reportedly £1m.
It has been purchaced by BP to plug the oil leak off Mexico.
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Old 04-07-10, 10:50   #1465
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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish,''I want to live forever'' I said
''sorry'' said the fairy ''I am not allowed to ok wishes like that.''Fine I said,I want to die when England win the world cup''
You crafty ba**ard'' said the fairy
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Old 06-07-10, 17:51   #1466
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15 Easy Steps To Poo Like A Woman:

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to
get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by
your boyfriend / husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat
with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may
have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat
over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with
bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with
any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin
(about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the
paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be
necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more
rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his
eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while
he is trying to watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your
boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly
behind you.


15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:

1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag;
tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching
the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket upyour anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any
irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g.
colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
circumstances attempt to cleanit off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
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Old 06-07-10, 17:58   #1467
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Just Been Released:
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File Type: jpg africa.jpg (184.8 KB, 22 views)
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Old 07-07-10, 11:28   #1468
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…….Dublin about midnight.


Paddy phones an ambulance because Micks been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'


Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.

'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Silence and a minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'


This goes on for another few minutes until .........

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'


Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
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Old 07-07-10, 19:37   #1469
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Oh dear

"Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team"?

Cinderella wanted to get to the ball .

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .


In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 ars holes being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.


I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.


The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.


Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.


What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.
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Old 08-07-10, 15:04   #1470
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There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically,
orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your friends, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK go to your nearest supermarket. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system..

Forward this warning to all of your friends. If you do not have any friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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