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Old 09-05-11, 09:04   #1961
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MATHEMATICS...



ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.




HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Old 09-05-11, 09:15   #1962
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"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man."


those are crackers Jan
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Old 09-05-11, 09:19   #1963
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jacquiD View Post
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
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Old 10-05-11, 13:59   #1964
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After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.


The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'



"Oh, that crazy old sod'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.
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Old 10-05-11, 21:34   #1965
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Re: Jokes

Just been sent this, not sure if its uploaded.
It worked, enjoy
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Old 12-05-11, 10:06   #1966
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oldy but goody....
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials
The agent asked, "What's your name
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.
Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope were a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000
He reads the letter enclosed
"Dear Sir
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
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Old 12-05-11, 21:21   #1967
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Re: Jokes

A policeman in the UK spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use
the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says.

"Zulu....Tango....Sierra."

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Old 13-05-11, 10:46   #1968
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Re: Jokes

Seve Ballesteros was buried in the same grave as his father.
He will be 1 over par
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Old 14-05-11, 20:56   #1969
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Tenerife.One place I won't beheading to in a hurry!!
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Old 20-05-11, 20:32   #1970
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Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculationof an affair with a footballer.
She's been doing Giggs in hotels around the country!
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