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Old 22-10-14, 15:37   #2341
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I went to Africa last week, now I am back I cannot stop gambling.
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I think I have Tombola!

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I'll get my coat...
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Old 22-10-14, 17:13   #2342
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Dont give up your day job.
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Old 24-10-14, 11:42   #2343
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Thought I'd shop early for Christmas and buy my wife a tablet.
Trouble was the Chemist would not sell me one with Cyanide in it.
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Old 05-11-14, 16:22   #2344
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Now this me really larf

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen
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Old 10-11-14, 19:12   #2345
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Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Jimmy Savile walk into a bar in Ireland.

The barman says, "Not Yew Tree again.
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Old 16-11-14, 18:57   #2346
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Just
been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used
it for half an hour and started to feel sick. It's great
though. It does everything – Kit-Kats, Mars bars,
Snickers, Crisps, the lot. Prince William said he didn't
want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince
Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he was still
going. Just £3 will buy water and food for
a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your
head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for
£2-99. 100 people from Liverpool were asked
today if they thought Britain should change its currency.
98% said no, they were happy with the
Giro’. Now he's dead, they're making
a film of Eddie Stobart's life. I've just seen the
trailer. The cost of living has now got so bad
that my wife is having sex with me because she can't
afford batteries. Last night I reached for my liquid
Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I
woke up this morning with a huge correction. Some swine's just pinched a pair
of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's
not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs
back. Some Japanese tourists just asked me
to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they
legged
it. This email is free
from viruses and malware because avast!
Antivirusprotection is active.
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Old 20-11-14, 15:32   #2347
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RACISM?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
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Old 23-11-14, 15:03   #2348
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Where are your glasses?

Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting all day, watching TV and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topics of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I join some clubs and societies to socialise more.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I emailed and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh well, I'm in trouble then," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went quiet until her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a elder is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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Old 26-11-14, 20:42   #2349
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An optimist just of a skyscraper, half way down he thinks so far so good.
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Old 27-11-14, 07:42   #2350
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Originally Posted by stoo666 View Post
An optimist jumps off a skyscraper, half way down he thinks so far so good.
Fixed that for you
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