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Old 16-12-14, 12:14   #2361
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Whats the difference between Hugh Hefner and Mixomatosis ?

Mixomatosis does not need Viagra to **** Bunnies
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Old 19-12-14, 07:40   #2362
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The Queen is making a visit to Australia, Bruce is at the front of the welcoming party.

"G'day Madge," said Bruce, "Can I cop a feel a yer tits?"

"One does not like to be touched." replied the Queen,

"Yer fair game for an old Sheila," said Bruce, "which one can I touch?"
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Old 20-12-14, 10:59   #2363
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I like snow in fact I love it because when it settles it does n't claim benefits.
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Old 23-12-14, 11:37   #2364
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Speeding.

Waiting in a lay-by on traffic patrol, a Police Officer sees a car tootling along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

Deciding the driver is just as dangerous as a speeder he turns on his lights & sirens and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Madam" the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the elderly lady says with pride.

The Police officer, trying not to laugh explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the lady smiles and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Madam, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? The ladies appear awfully shaken, and none have spoken," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
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Old 31-12-14, 21:36   #2365
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Kids don't realise just how good they have got it these days.

Back before The Jeremy Kyle show we used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see human freaks of nature.
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Old 27-01-15, 21:48   #2366
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Dead crows found on M4!

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
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Old 30-01-15, 16:02   #2367
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" Morning Sex "

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."
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Old 04-02-15, 09:21   #2368
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HEALTH ISSUES ?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot..

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!
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Old 04-02-15, 10:39   #2369
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I find southern comfort and Canada dry Ginger has a similar effect, loved the joke.
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Old 05-02-15, 17:50   #2370
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Scottish brother and sister talking.

"What's the name of that group of terrorists that burned that pilot, can you remember?"

"Aye Sis."

"That's the one."
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